What Makes a Great Mom?

It's Mother's Day...a tough day for anyone who has lost a child...but it's also tough for many others: those who've lost their mom, women yearning to be a mom, and those who have a difficult relationship with their mother.

So, what makes a great mom?

I recall a conversation I had with Kristine shortly before she got married. I told her that I knew I had made mistakes as a wife and a mother, and I prayed the Lord would cover those mistakes so that my kids wouldn't repeat them in their families. I do not have this grand delusion that I've been this amazing super mom...I want all of my kids to reject anything I've done 'wrong' and embrace what I've done 'right'. It is my heart's desire that my children strive to be better than me in all ways...don't we all wish that?

I wanted to know what stuck with people though...what they took from their own childhood into their parenting. There was quite a bit of dysfunction in my own childhood, so I needed to hear from others. I did an informal survey last week asking this question: What did your mother do while raising you that made a significant impact on how you mother your own children?

The responses did not surprise me...in fact, they reinforced what I'd long believed. Most of the responses had to do with being supportive and involved in their children's lives. Even those that had a negative experience with their own mother chose to turn that into something positive with their parenting. As Dr. Laura would say, we only have two opportunities for a healthy parent/child relationship...we have no control over the first opportunity because we're the child, but we have complete control over the second opportunity, so make the best of it.

"She was involved in my life...whatever was important to her kids, she tried to do!"

"I try to understand and support without judgement..."

"I knew I was loved, I was accepted. I want my children to follow their arrow, find their place knowing I'm ALWAYS supporting them like my momma would."

"I am determined to be present in my children's lives..."

"She always made us feel important...she was at every one of our sporting events...and was our biggest/loudest cheerleader."

These responses comforted me...I was never the mom to do whatever was 'in' at that time, yet there have always been those "mean girl moms" that love to build themselves up by putting others down...making moms feel guilty is ugly...period. To know that what sticks with your children is about the relationship you've built with them, not anything else, is encouraging. However, relationships take work...it's probably easier to do the 'in' thing and just feed them vegan frog's milk and only allow them to watch PBS on the second Thursday of each month. :)

So, what did I do right? What do I hope my kids will take to their own children? I don't know...but  when your grown children choose to spend time with you...not just on holidays or special occasions, but any day...when they come to you to discuss life, get advice, even gossip about the aforementioned mean girls...that's when you know you've done something right. The true test for me is that they want me to be a very real and present part of their lives.

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As I sat with Kristine during her final days, I wished so badly to be able to talk with her. I'm not sure what I wanted...to hear that she was ready to go perhaps...would that have made me feel better? One thing kept going through my head...did she know how much she was loved, not just at that moment, but throughout her life...did she know how fiercely I loved her? Was I a good mother to her? To be honest, I felt like I had failed her because of where we were at that moment.

Here is where I'm so thankful for Facebook...I get reminders of how she felt about me. I can go back through her past posts and hear her voice and know her heart. I spent about three hours today just reading a couple years of her posts...it hurts, but it makes me feel her with me. And after reading them, I know she felt loved by me...and that's the best I can hope for.

Happy Mother's Day

The Significance of Today

Dates are significant...especially to someone with a memory like mine. I'm like an elephant...I never forget...anything. So whenever something significant happens, whether good or bad, happy or sad, that date becomes embedded in my mind.

I met Mike on August 13, 1987. I can remember counting the months we were dating based on that date, and now I count the years we've been together from it. It's always been a happy date for me. We've been a couple for over 30 years...over half my life!

So here I am on March 13, 2018. This date did not sneak up on me. I've known it was coming. The 13th of every month has taken on a new significance since losing our precious Kristine on September 13, 2017. Why? It should be no worse than any other day without her...but still, it is. I guess it's the counting of time...she's been gone one month, then two months, three months, four months, five months...and now six months.

It's not getting easier...in fact, I think it's gotten harder in many ways. Time is not healing this wound.

The worst feeling is that one right after I wake up and remember she's really gone. Or when I get in the car after work and I don't have the busyness of the day to distract me. Or when I'm lying in bed praying for sleep to overtake me. It's a very real physical pain...yet no physical pain can honestly compare to it. It's a crushing feeling...this pain of grief...a heaviness on my chest that has made me wonder if I'm having a heart attack. I have actually thought to myself that a heart attack might actually bring relief from this pain. But it's no heart attack...it's a truly broken heart.

This morning I woke up and acknowledged to myself the significance of this date. And then another date jumped into my mind...tomorrow...March 14, 2018. Tomorrow morning, seventeen families will be waking up to the realization that it's been one month since their sons, daughters, and husbands were violently taken from them. My heart breaks for those families.

I know what they're feeling, yet I don't.

My daughter did not die from a violent crime, just a violent disease.

I can empathize with their loss, but I can't help them.

No one can alter or shorten this journey.

It is lonely...even when you're on it with people you love.

Looking Back, Moving Forward

What does one do on New Year's Eve but reflect on the past year and look forward with hope towards the new one? As one who regularly reflects and plans, this is usually something I thoroughly enjoy. I love looking back at the fun times, special moments, and accomplishments of the year. I even like reflecting on the negative aspects of the year, those things that didn't go well, and making a plan of attack to turn it around in the coming year. I get to set up my brand new planner and make lists of things I want to accomplish...yes, I make resolutions every year...no, I don't follow through on all of them...but I do follow through on some.

On NYE 2016, I was full of hope. I was surrounded by my loved ones. Kristine was responding well to treatment, and I was certain metastatic melanoma was going to be defeated in 2017. My sweet grandson, Dylan, had entered our family and was infecting us all with joy. We were in the midst of planning an epic family vacation to Hawaii. If I had had a crystal ball at that moment, I would've done things differently in 2017. Alas, there are no crystal balls in real life. We can only move forward with the information we have, prayers for guidance, and faith we are following the right path.

So, how to reflect on 2017? It was, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. I don't know how else to describe it. There were wonderful moments and sweet memories made that I wouldn't trade for anything, but 2017 will forever be associated with losing my precious Kristine. Nothing from the year will ever overshadow that.

And now, how do I look forward to the coming year? 2018 won't be the best year ever...that designation has passed...and I'm not sure which year was the best now...I'll need to do some serious reflection to figure that one out. 2018 can't even be better than 2017 because it will be missing Kristine. I'm not trying to be negative, I just can't imagine ever feeling that any future year will be the best. Every future year will be missing Kristine.

There is a scene from This Is Us that perfectly illustrates how I feel. SPOILER ALERT! For those that don't watch the show, it jumps back and forth in time to tell the story of three siblings and their parents, and the dad passes away when the kids are teens. That's oversimplification at its finest, but I'm not here to review the show. Anyway, in this episode, Rebecca (the mom) is present when Randall's wife delivers their first baby. Rebecca begins crying afterward. Randall asks why she's crying. This is her response:

"That was one of the happiest moments of my life...

but also, your dad isn't here...

and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

The happiest moments will also be a little sad."

I know that wonderful moments are coming and sweet memories are still to be made, but every one will be a little sad for me because Kristine isn't here to experience them with us.

Which brings me to #onelittleword. I love words. And I love choosing words intentionally. Yesterday, I made a list of words to guide me through 2018. Words that would help focus my goals. After I made my list, I was on Instagram and saw a post for #onelittleword. Someone I follow had posted that they were choosing the word 'restore' as their word for 2018. 'Restore' was one of the words I had listed, so I felt confirmation that it should be my focus for the year...I didn't even know what #onelittleword was about, but loved the idea of having a focus word for the year.

I decided to research this #onelittleword movement and found myself at Ali Edwards website. I'm now all in and have signed up for the workshop. I then dove in to the word 'restore' and hit a roadblock. The definition is to return to its original condition. That just doesn't seem possible for my heart. I didn't want to choose a word that could not truly be achievable...at least not now. So, I just stared at my list, looked at synonyms, and began to feel defeated. I just wanted a word to inspire me to move forward...to walk this path I've been set upon. WALK...that was it! WALK is the perfect word for me. It's a noun and a verb. It can refer to my walk with God, it can refer to moving forward through my grief, it can refer to getting healthy...it seems to encompass everything I wanted.

So, how will I look forward to 2018? I'm going to WALK through it.