What Makes a Great Mom?

It's Mother's Day...a tough day for anyone who has lost a child...but it's also tough for many others: those who've lost their mom, women yearning to be a mom, and those who have a difficult relationship with their mother.

So, what makes a great mom?

I recall a conversation I had with Kristine shortly before she got married. I told her that I knew I had made mistakes as a wife and a mother, and I prayed the Lord would cover those mistakes so that my kids wouldn't repeat them in their families. I do not have this grand delusion that I've been this amazing super mom...I want all of my kids to reject anything I've done 'wrong' and embrace what I've done 'right'. It is my heart's desire that my children strive to be better than me in all ways...don't we all wish that?

I wanted to know what stuck with people though...what they took from their own childhood into their parenting. There was quite a bit of dysfunction in my own childhood, so I needed to hear from others. I did an informal survey last week asking this question: What did your mother do while raising you that made a significant impact on how you mother your own children?

The responses did not surprise me...in fact, they reinforced what I'd long believed. Most of the responses had to do with being supportive and involved in their children's lives. Even those that had a negative experience with their own mother chose to turn that into something positive with their parenting. As Dr. Laura would say, we only have two opportunities for a healthy parent/child relationship...we have no control over the first opportunity because we're the child, but we have complete control over the second opportunity, so make the best of it.

"She was involved in my life...whatever was important to her kids, she tried to do!"

"I try to understand and support without judgement..."

"I knew I was loved, I was accepted. I want my children to follow their arrow, find their place knowing I'm ALWAYS supporting them like my momma would."

"I am determined to be present in my children's lives..."

"She always made us feel important...she was at every one of our sporting events...and was our biggest/loudest cheerleader."

These responses comforted me...I was never the mom to do whatever was 'in' at that time, yet there have always been those "mean girl moms" that love to build themselves up by putting others down...making moms feel guilty is ugly...period. To know that what sticks with your children is about the relationship you've built with them, not anything else, is encouraging. However, relationships take work...it's probably easier to do the 'in' thing and just feed them vegan frog's milk and only allow them to watch PBS on the second Thursday of each month. :)

So, what did I do right? What do I hope my kids will take to their own children? I don't know...but  when your grown children choose to spend time with you...not just on holidays or special occasions, but any day...when they come to you to discuss life, get advice, even gossip about the aforementioned mean girls...that's when you know you've done something right. The true test for me is that they want me to be a very real and present part of their lives.

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As I sat with Kristine during her final days, I wished so badly to be able to talk with her. I'm not sure what I wanted...to hear that she was ready to go perhaps...would that have made me feel better? One thing kept going through my head...did she know how much she was loved, not just at that moment, but throughout her life...did she know how fiercely I loved her? Was I a good mother to her? To be honest, I felt like I had failed her because of where we were at that moment.

Here is where I'm so thankful for Facebook...I get reminders of how she felt about me. I can go back through her past posts and hear her voice and know her heart. I spent about three hours today just reading a couple years of her posts...it hurts, but it makes me feel her with me. And after reading them, I know she felt loved by me...and that's the best I can hope for.

Happy Mother's Day