On NYE 2016, I was full of hope. I was surrounded by my loved ones. Kristine was responding well to treatment, and I was certain metastatic melanoma was going to be defeated in 2017. My sweet grandson, Dylan, had entered our family and was infecting us all with joy. We were in the midst of planning an epic family vacation to Hawaii. If I had had a crystal ball at that moment, I would've done things differently in 2017. Alas, there are no crystal balls in real life. We can only move forward with the information we have, prayers for guidance, and faith we are following the right path.
So, how to reflect on 2017? It was, without a doubt, the worst year of my life. I don't know how else to describe it. There were wonderful moments and sweet memories made that I wouldn't trade for anything, but 2017 will forever be associated with losing my precious Kristine. Nothing from the year will ever overshadow that.
And now, how do I look forward to the coming year? 2018 won't be the best year ever...that designation has passed...and I'm not sure which year was the best now...I'll need to do some serious reflection to figure that one out. 2018 can't even be better than 2017 because it will be missing Kristine. I'm not trying to be negative, I just can't imagine ever feeling that any future year will be the best. Every future year will be missing Kristine.
There is a scene from This Is Us that perfectly illustrates how I feel. SPOILER ALERT! For those that don't watch the show, it jumps back and forth in time to tell the story of three siblings and their parents, and the dad passes away when the kids are teens. That's oversimplification at its finest, but I'm not here to review the show. Anyway, in this episode, Rebecca (the mom) is present when Randall's wife delivers their first baby. Rebecca begins crying afterward. Randall asks why she's crying. This is her response:
"That was one of the happiest moments of my life...
but also, your dad isn't here...
and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.
The happiest moments will also be a little sad."
I know that wonderful moments are coming and sweet memories are still to be made, but every one will be a little sad for me because Kristine isn't here to experience them with us.
Which brings me to #onelittleword. I love words. And I love choosing words intentionally. Yesterday, I made a list of words to guide me through 2018. Words that would help focus my goals. After I made my list, I was on Instagram and saw a post for #onelittleword. Someone I follow had posted that they were choosing the word 'restore' as their word for 2018. 'Restore' was one of the words I had listed, so I felt confirmation that it should be my focus for the year...I didn't even know what #onelittleword was about, but loved the idea of having a focus word for the year.
I decided to research this #onelittleword movement and found myself at Ali Edwards website. I'm now all in and have signed up for the workshop. I then dove in to the word 'restore' and hit a roadblock. The definition is to return to its original condition. That just doesn't seem possible for my heart. I didn't want to choose a word that could not truly be achievable...at least not now. So, I just stared at my list, looked at synonyms, and began to feel defeated. I just wanted a word to inspire me to move forward...to walk this path I've been set upon. WALK...that was it! WALK is the perfect word for me. It's a noun and a verb. It can refer to my walk with God, it can refer to moving forward through my grief, it can refer to getting healthy...it seems to encompass everything I wanted.
So, how will I look forward to 2018? I'm going to WALK through it.
