Stepping Up

It's been two years today since we lost Kristine.

Over the past month, I've had quite a few people comment on how I look. Mostly about my hair...which I initially thought was weird because I haven't changed it much. I did get a new blow dryer with a built-in round brush this summer...it smooths my hair better than ever...so I'm assuming that's it. But a few of these comments have felt deeper..."you're glowing"..."you seem lighter"..."your soul seems happy"...

As nice as those comments sound, they bothered me. I was discussing this with my dear friend, Michelle, the other night. She also said that I seemed better. It's strange how I don't want to be "better"...I am not "over" this and never will be! However, the truth is that I am coping...and maybe I've learned some things that are allowing me to cope well.

I did a bible study by Beth Moore over the summer called Stepping Up: a Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent. I was drawn to it because I felt far from God. He is the One who allowed Kristine to suffer and die. He is the One who allowed us to experience such tremendous, heart-wrenching loss. I should be done with Him...but I'm not. If everything I've believed is true, I have no option but to continue this relationship with Him...if only to see Kristine again one day. So, I chose this study in the hopes of drawing nearer to God...stepping up to Him.

Many years ago, Mike and I were going through a very difficult time in our marriage. A dear friend and wonderful counselor told me that if we stuck it out and worked through it, we would get to the other side. The other side...a place where you look back and realize the struggle was worth it. Your marriage is better than it ever could be because of what you've been through together. Well, she was right. Mike and I are on the other side. Oh, we still bicker and argue, but our relationship is stronger, deeper, and more committed than ever...and I know we owe that to the Lord. We can truly look back and say that what we went through in our marriage, although really painful, was worth where we are today.

There is no other side when you lose a child...we will never look back and say where we're at today was worth losing Kristine...never ever.

So, I'm constantly searching for and seeking the answers to unanswerable questions...why is Kristine gone...what good did her death accomplish...what was/is the purpose of losing her???

And I've come to the conclusion that it was for her.

Not much has comforted me since losing Kristine, but I hold on to the few things that have. A few weeks after she passed away, I was at church. I wish I could quote the pastor verbatim, but I can't, so I'll paraphrase. He basically told the congregation that the reason they were here (on Earth and in church) is because they weren't ready for heaven. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Kristine must have been ready for Heaven or He wouldn't have taken her...her job on Earth was done...she has achieved perfection.

While this thought has comforted me, I still need more. I need to know what Kristine is experiencing in Heaven. I need to know she's okay. And that's where Stepping Up has stepped in and comforted me. Beth Moore writes,

"What about when something deadly happens such as when we lost loved ones who loved God? Where was God's surrounding presence then? That's where the ultimate trust enters in. If we believe God's words are true, when tragedy strikes we've got to believe God has us so tightly interwoven in His care that we are instantaneously swept to heaven. God never more closely surrounds us than when He lifts us to His breast and carries us home." (Stepping Up, p.73)

Two years ago today, I know that Kristine was enveloped in God's arms, head against His chest, and taken home...not for me, but for her.

Although there is no "other side" of this, there can be a sense of peace. Maybe I'm better, lighter, and more at peace knowing Kristine felt the overwhelming love of God as she passed into His presence.