Thank You, Mama

“Thank you, Mama.” Those were my precious daughter’s final words to me. I will never forget them nor will I ever forget the way they sounded. I can hear her saying them right now. I can see her face as she says them. I just wish I could remember the exact time on August 31st that she said them to me. Our days in ICU were such a blur, it’s hard to recall what happened on what day and when. I want to remember every single moment with her. I’m grasping onto every memory I can.

Kristine entered the ICU on the night of August 29th for a DVT and a pulmonary embolism. That very day she had had an MRI to see how she was responding to the combo treatments she’d been getting since June 16th. The next day (8/30), we found out that her tumors had shrunk by 20%...I was ecstatic...the cancer was clearly responding to the treatments. However, she had become completely unresponsive while in the hospital and the doctors had no idea why. They began running tests and calling in specialists, all while conferencing with her oncologist in LA.

She did ‘wake up’ that afternoon, but then she was agitated and in a lot of pain...she didn’t get to sleep until about 1:30 am. Thursday (8/31) was more of the same...agitated, in pain, and uncomfortable...and it was during all of this that she spoke her final words to me.

It was difficult to see my sweet girl so agitated. She was so uncomfortable and kept pulling at the oxygen thing in her nose. She’d pull it out and then alarms would go off and startle her. She’d bend her arms and the IV alarms would go off. She couldn’t get any rest. At one point, my daughter Becca and I were holding her hands just to prevent her from pulling at anything so she could try and get some sleep. She was getting so annoyed with us. I would tell her she couldn’t pull at it and she’d ask why. I’d give her a logical answer, but she kept asking why over and over. I finally said only half-jokingly, ‘because I said so!’

The doctors gave her something to help her rest, and she began to feel more comfortable. She had such a serene look on her face. We then had our final conversation.

I said, “I love you so much, sweetie.”

“I love you too, Mama,” she replied.

I could feel tears welling up as I then said, “You’re so beautiful.”

She tilted her head toward me, smiled her sweet smile, and said, “Thank you, Mama.”

I kissed her cheek and kissed her hand through my mask and then just sat in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand as she drifted off to sleep. I didn’t know at that moment that I would never hear her voice again or see her smile. While it's heartbreaking to think about that, I do recognize that our family was blessed to be able to tell her how much we loved her before she passed away...most people never get that opportunity. And I'm doubly blessed to have had such a sweet conversation with her before she was unable to communicate. Can you imagine if my final words to her were 'because I said so'!?